My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
You Might Also Like
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
new year update: losing everything but weight
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Guys which shade of gery should I get
