Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Great Canadian literature.

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.