Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

my name if I was in the mob

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.