me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
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when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Do one person every day that scares you.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”