Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

#Caturday

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

ㅤ

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together