Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

In Canada they just call them geese

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen