Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

Body by Oreos

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*