Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

I drew y’all a little something.

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?