i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
You Might Also Like
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
what do you want
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.