Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
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*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
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I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!