Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
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“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
2023 was just a warmup
Sure. Why not?
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
What even happened today?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I think about this a lot
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Ok cat haters, explain this…
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
