Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body