Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

Writing, She Murdered.

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*

I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test