[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
You Might Also Like
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.