Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
