Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting