Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

Okay me first

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

That’s what I call a flat tire

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!