Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs