who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
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Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda