If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
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[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?