Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’