Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

How to walk around a museum

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC