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First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
