My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?