Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning