Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
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Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods