fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
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i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
throat sock season is upon us.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired