Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
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Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Why I divorced her.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual