Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

[Inventing Canadians]

Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!

God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born