If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
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Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
i can’t wait that long
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I’m sorry…what?
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
all that yoga finally paid off
