date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
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the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
BETRAYAL
Breaking news:
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses