Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
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(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
describing stardew valley
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
My wedding will be open casket.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
How tf did it end up there?
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.