Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

😏😏😏

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size