Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
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Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂