me, after any kind of buffet.
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All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.