Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.