Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

the zen of frog

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.