Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations