Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆