Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

Ladies, why y’all do this?

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it