Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
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Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Mountain Goat : )
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?