Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

a god among men

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.