Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.