My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
How times have changed.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
