If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
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Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything