Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
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My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
roses are red
i fall when i skate
absolute chaos
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.