seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
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The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
What’s this sorcery? 😂
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.