Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

quarantine day 3