me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
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The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?