It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.