Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
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#catsoftwitter
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
😭😭
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser