Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

As per my previous tablet…

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”